Been doing a lot of thinking recently, there have been a lot of changes in life to make me think.. a lot of changes in me itself.
How do you judge yourself? How do you compare yourself? When is it that you really know you are a honest, decent, forthright, sensible human being. Forget about everything else, forget being a student, artist, writer, or whatever else it is that you are/could be/ or want to be. What about that simple question, who are you as a person?
A lengthy conversation about the difference in people, their maturity, ages resulted in a lot of confusion. When do I know its ok to follow the rules, or when is it pandering to others demands? when is ok to be a good girl, by-the-books? When does that become 'People-pleaser'? How often can you take liberties and be 'what I want' without it affecting others? And how much does my age affect my thinking, I may be strong in my convictions, but will time or age prove me wrong? How jaded are those older and 'wiser' than me? and how wrong are we both?
Come to another question..
Is it a crime to have had a happy life? Is it my fault I cannot say I have a fucked-up life? Can I not make important decisions, have a relationship, work or even be a human being if I have not suffered any tragedies? Who makes anyone else the judge? And how do they judge? based on their own experiences isn't it? So if you haven't been ill treated by your family/ peers, if you haven't suffered rejection from a thousand people, if you don't have divorced parents you aren't a person to respect? Is that it?!
I HAVE had a happy childhood, and I HAVE had my share of problems...they may not be as life changing or traumatic as others but that life is what has shaped me so far. People I have met, people I might have lost, people still in my life.There are many incidents, yet when I have to recount one happy or sad one, I most often come up blank. I dont understand that myself, maybe I have memory problems.
Everyday there is something that makes me think some more., Sometimes I want to shut my brain off! There's too much to think, too much to ponder and question.. Too much that I wish to have or run away from!
Everyday I meet someone who affects me in some way, makes me rethink something, maybe even changes my life in some small way. Maybe it is that girl who leaves the tap running in the basin as she soaps her hands, maybe its that person who strikes this instant chord of attraction in me? There is too much to do, see, experience, and be.
And this brings me back to judging myself. When do I know any damn thing! When can I say I believe in my convictions, and how right they may be? When do I stop being affected by everyone or everything, and when will that make me something uncaring and unemotional?
Change.. that is what life seems to revolve around. Everyday is different, in terms of experience, people, thoughts, work, even weather. Maybe i just change myself every time, maybe thats who I'm destined to be. I don't have the answers, but I sure hope God up there does, that there is some thread of destiny holding this all together, and it doesn't snap by mistake anytime soon.